Free tips on swimming pool etiquette!

I am luckier than many others to swim in a public pool that has a system of lanes. The pool I swim in is bifurcated into two sections: the "swimmers' lanes" section, and the "non-swimmers' lane" section. While the latter is basically a glorified playground, the "swimmers' lane" is where a serious swimmer goes to find peace of mind by swimming some uninterrupted meditative laps. The unwritten rules of the lane are fairly simple - as with driving, stick to your left. So each lane has swimmers going from one end of the 50 metre pool to the other by swimming on the left of each side of the lane. Basically the diagram below, except for the left instead of the right (since the diagram is probably American):

Now, this is not very difficult to achieve, especially with a conspicuously thick blue line running the entire length of the pool right in the middle of each of the 3 swimmers' lanes. So even if putting their head underwater completely disorients somebody to the extent of becoming unable to distinguish between their left and their right, there's a very prominent marker to guide them into staying in their designated half of the lane.

As I was swimming yesterday within my left zone, another swimmer came from the other side without any regard to the lane division or basic norms of decency. He rammed into my chest, and then continued to swim right under my arm, even though this collision brought me to a halt. "What is wrong with you?!" I yelled, but there was no response and he went on ahead without apology.

So now I'm going to be a swimming pool nazi and offer some gratis lessons in civilized pool behaviour.

1. Stick to your side of the lane. This is really the most fundamental rule of the pool lane, without which there would be nothing to distinguish the serious swimmers' lanes from the other section where people come to learn (and play, apparently). This is important also to allow those faster than you to overtake you from the right. However, more often than not, people casually swim bang in the middle of the lane, preventing faster swimmers from overtaking.

2. If you can't swim 50 metres continuously, then please do not enter the swimmers' lane and disrupt those who can. I have seen so many swimmers who enter the lane, start swimming, and then just come to a halt somewhere in the middle of the lane. Not only do they halt, they cause others to halt, because - let's face it - the lane isn't wide enough to accommodate an army of swimmers side-to-side. 

Imagine you are driving down a road and suddenly you encounter a tree in the middle of the road which forces your car to come to an abrupt stop. This is exactly like that (though luckily less dangerous).

If you are a beginner, or do not have the requisite stamina to swim 50 metres at a stretch, that's perfectly fine, but it is not acceptable to inconvenience other swimmers with your obstructionist presence while they are in motion. 

3. If you can't manage to contain your flailing body within one half of the lane, please avoid swimming in the lane. The swimming lanes are designed to accommodate two rows of swimmers, swimming in opposite directions. There is a little bit of margin for people to overtake others, though often even this margin falls short. Now imagine someone who thinks the swimming lane is his/her bed and decides to spread out their limbs so far and wide that 3/4ths of the swimming lane is occupied by one person alone! This is a recipe for disaster because way too much of the lane space is occupied by one person, and rightful overtakers are prevented from doing so.

4. By all means, walk the length of the pool, but could you please not do it in the swimmers' lane? I once met a guy outside my pool who told me no less than seventeen times in that conversation that he is suffering from a groin injury. He proudly stated that he goes to the pool to walk because that's very good for his groin injury. Luckily I never encountered him in the pool, but unfortunately, I have encountered way too many walkers in the swimming lane. Walkers mess with the tempo of the swimming lane - which, I might add, swimmers in all the categories listed above and below are already messing with. 

The swimming pool is a great place for rehablitation. If you are recovering from an injury, walking in water is highly recommended. But more than half the pool comprises the "non-swimmers' lane", so why not move the walking party there? 

5. Fountains masquerading as humans. If your presence is like a human tsunami, then you need to go back to the drawing board and actually go through the little rite of passage known as "learning to swim" before thinking of entering the lane. There are actually people whose swimming technique is so off that not only do their movements not reflect any swimming stroke known to humankind, but they also provide their co-swimmers with a simulated open water swimming experience. Showers (caused by the violent splashing of their limbs) - check. Waves - check. Ripples - check. The feeling that you may have witnessed a whale spouting - check. Unfortunately, this is not the experience we have in mind when we set foot in a 50 metre swimming pool.

6. Swimming backstroke is the most selfish thing to do in a public pool. Lying on your back, being ostrich-like about swimmers around you and being a nuisance to them is no fun for anybody in the lane besides yourself. It also doesn't help that your iceberg like disposition is an obstruction for those around you who have taken some time out of their day to get in the pool and exercise their limbs. My personal punishment for these people is to make my legs kick a little (OK, a lot) more vigorously than usual around these floating couch potatoes. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, it causes them to stop. Hey, if you attempt backstroke in a crowded lane then volenti non fit injuria applies.

7. Leave the testosterone at home, buddy. I like to go to the pool for some relaxed swimming. I am not a fast swimmer but I am an unobtrusive swimmer. I like to swim non-stop laps within the confines of my time slot and go home. Unfortunately, the pool is full of men who take it upon themselves to compete with any female swimmers faster than them. I couldn't give two hoots about the competition because I enjoy the solitude of the water, and the presence of people trying to race around you completely ruins that. 

The guys I'm talking about create a huge splash, take up way too much room, and don't allow you to overtake them (because hey, they wouldn't want to "lose" the "race" that they are unilaterally participating in). So this leaves me at their splashy heels, with no space to go ahead of them. 

And there goes solitude. All because some dude couldn't stand the fact that he swims slower than a girl - boo hoo.

My advice to these jerks is to leave their enormous male egos behind in the changing room, with their dry clothes.

8. Trim those talons, ladies. I don't see the point of long nails and personally, they really gross me out. But I'm not even talking about my personal prejudice here, but the possibility of someone getting seriously hurt. There are all these women who come to the pool with inordinately long nails, not realizing that if their hand as much as touches somebody, it will leave a scratch. Every time this happens to me, my first panic-stricken thought is "when did I last get my tetanus shot?!"

9. I don't even think I need to spell this out - do not pee in the pool! I wish Indian pools used the dye that causes the water to change colour when any of the swimmers pee in it. Maybe humiliation is the only deterrent.

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The next time you go to a public swimming pool - with or without lanes - please do remember that you're not alone there! If you respect the swimmers around you, you may find yourself enjoying the camraderie of swimmers. Do unto other swimmers as you would have them do unto you.